April 5, 2012 – A Wild Experience!
2003 I think…I’ve been spending this last year doing my regular visits to the oncology department receiving the juice of life. Saying “Hi!” to all the so nice nurses, giving me the medication to continue an almost normal life…even thou I spend much more time to bed then running for my kids. But never-the -ess, I keep a smile on my face when I’m with my boys, l was thinking that this is just a temporary circumstance of even.
Smile yes. The indisputable necessity to keep my brain clear of dark thoughts…
I remember this one bizarre moment… At the hospital, I had to present myself for another test of some sort…those doctor are still searching for something…don’t know what…got to trust them. A nurse greed me and ask me to sit on that bed…looks more like a lazy-boy, soft a very comfortable I say! She leaves me there for a while and waiting for her return, I get curious on what is place in front of me. Behind a big window with people sitting in the dark at a desk watching weird images on a screen. Looks like a human being silhouette with a multitude of colors moving inside it. By the corner of my eye, I see a man but not a nurse nor a doctor, looks like a delivery guy. He has a big luggage on rollers, opens it, and place a metal cylinder into a metal box that looks more like a safe box, thick and heavy. He then leaves. Minutes later, the same nurse comes back but makes a stop in front of the safe, opens it and with an elephant syringe pull a liquid into it from the metal cylinder. Then she picks up a thick panel and arrives to my lazy-boy. She’s wearing an all blue robe, mask, hat and cloves. All I can see is her eyes…Scary! A blue woman is about to give me some horrible liquid with that 10 pounds syringe!! She place the think panel in front of her, takes my arm and say “Please, don’t move, don’t talk and stay still for 30 minutes. DON’T MOVE!”…..That’s it! I want to run like hell out of this crazy hospital!!!
Later, getting out of my zombie experience, I realised that nothing uncommon happened to my body… except for one thing. I wondered if I became a radioactive woman and I waked out the hospital taking care of not to touch anyone!
Funny to say but… today, I’ve never been sick with a cold after that experience… My God! They should sell this stuff in pharmacy!! J
November 7, 2011 – Just For Love
We all have a story behind us. A story that built who we are now. Some are long, some have short stories, but we have something to hold on to. Good memories mostly because personally I leave the bad ones behind… and take with me what I learned from them. I suppose the luckiest ones also had great parents and I was a lucky one. When I lived hard times, they were there. So not to feel too alone in this battle with lung and brain cancer.
They were there when I learned that there were no way out. Death within months. And I remember feeling so mad about all that sh…t! It was unfair! I was a mother of 2 babies and my time was definitely not THIS time to go! So with that unfairness, I decided otherwise. I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t give up for 2 simple reasons. My sons. They too had the right to have the solid foundations… just like I did. And throu the years, they became my first motivation to continue believing in my winning this battle.
I had too. Because of the love for them, I survived… to stay where I was meant to be. Here, with them, my little angels, as a loving and caring mother. Four years later, life gave me the proof of how strong love can be!
October 20, 2011 – You Can Cry
Even with hurt and suffering, I realized that crying was the worst thing to do. For 2 reasons. The first would be for not to show to my loved ones, so not to make THEM suffer more. And the second was my worry to fall so deep in that hole, that I couldn’t find the strength to get back. So, I didn’t cry… but my heart did. But I do remember screaming! At the hospital, a guy coming to change my bed, took my hand connect to my arm connected to my shoulder connected to my back freshly cut after a lung operation. Oh my GOD! Did it hurt! As if he was pulling out my arm completely! And this time, I did cry.
That reminds me…it was dodo time as I was putting my t-shirt, sitting on the bed at home, my 2 ½ year old son, came to the bedroom. A scream, a big stunning scream came out of his mouth! He said “Mommy! You’ve got a big snake on your back!!” …. Well, the snake was rather the metal brooch holding in place the fresh scar of my lung operation. I did laugh… a lot!
I could have cried, but I laughed. Because in his eyes, this was an amazing discovery!
Today, crying is still not a thing a do a lot. Even when I’m alone. I much prefer to laugh. But still, crying helps. Just to make place for the laugh to come…
October 13, 2011 – A Pebble
I remember this unforgettable afternoon… My 2 ½ years old son burrrying a very special pebble. The one he found, the white one. The same one that became a symbol.
Two weeks before…It was sleeping time, as I was sitting beside him on the bed, I tried to explain to him how, like the pebble he found, I had one too in my head. Holding it in his hand, he began to make circle on his face, rolling the pebble on his cheeks and forehead. Mommy has a mission for you! Would you keep it tight with you, hold it, and place it in your pocket during the day? And this way, you can help mommy and the doctor to get it out of my head so not to have booboo anymore.
He smiled. Kissing him, he held the pebble in his hand and went to sleep. He kept it with him all the time, rolling it under his finger, showing it to everyone and putting it back in his pocket.
In my mind, this pebble became a symbol of strength, of love, of healing. My little boy magic would do its work. Still today, the pebble is sleeping tight under the tree.
October 7, 2011 – Fight, Believe and Win!
I heard somewhere that the universe (or God if you prefer) never give us something that we can’t overcome. That somehow, we find the courage and the strength to fight for our lives. One thought that came into my mind was that guy who got his arm crushed under a big rolling rock somewhere in Colorado. He was alone under the sun, facing death. The only solution to survive was to cut his arm with his knife. Can you imagine the pain? Surprisingly, he survived.
I guess we can overcome pain when it’s a matter of life or death.
Amazing how the human been is strong! Adrenaline picks up! And it’s as if our mind was stronger than the body.
So, why not use that mind to convince ourselves than this is all a temporary situation and like the typical American movies, there’s a good end to it.
I remember spending a lot of time seeing myself in total happiness and good health. And that sentence that I regularly said to myself; This is temporary, only temporary. Hang on! The clouds will soon give place to my sun.
Fight, believe and win!
October 5, 2011 – Your Presence
When we are sick, lots of little things surrounding us takes more importance then before. It is as if all our emotions are multiply by 3. Is it because our body hurts that the soul takes over? Don’t know. One thing i know is when I had the luck to be surrounded by loving friends and family, I felt stronger… to reassure my loved one that “everything’s fine”…I’ll get over it, don’t worry.
Kind of a way to reassure MYSELF that is was just a bad moment and eventually, everything will be back to “normal”. Life itself is rarely a soft road. Why would it be? Paradise or perfection is not on this earth. When hard moments cross our road, we need strength and confidence. Even if our body is on the edge of giving up… because someone will hold my hand.
A call, a card, a visit, a hug…anything, anything received takes a huge part for helping me to heal. I remember…this one friend that came to my bed at the hospital. She told me that she hesitated to come visit me. She was nervous and insecure not knowing what to say to me…so sick. And i told her, “You don’t have to say anything. Just take my hand and smile”. When we are surrounded by sick people, all we want is to escape! And when we can’t, we crave for happiness! Just smile to me and tell me…in your own way… that I’m not alone in this fight.
My name is Carole Thibault, mother of two boys of now 10 and 12 years old. In 2002, enjoying my maternity leave with my second child, and after a visit to the emergency, i learn that my migraine is in fact, a tumour growing in my head. Starts my “saga” with cancer, lung included, that lasted 4 years. Four years of war inside and beside me. This summer, I celebrated my 5 years of new life (remission) with all my family coming from all around Quebec province. Life is better then ever…and with this celebration, I felt that is was time to share, to help, to tell, to write to give some hope, as little as it can be, for those who are fighting with their family.
During those years I met a wonderfull neurochirurgen, Dr. Rolando Del Maestro and his wife, Pam. He is the one who convinced me to fight, since my decision was made to let the destiny do its work.
Saying that, today, healthy and monoparental with kids growing in happiness, I somehow felt….no…HAD to share my story in another way.